Oncoming Backpack Trip to S'pore!!

Lolx...Hols passes so fast...
Its bout to skol reopen soon....
I hate it!! Coz it means HARDWORK + STUDY again!
Aww.....DANG!


Rite, Im finaly confrmed...
Goin to S'pore tis Thur 8.10pm plane..
Reach there 9.15pm..
Lolx...Jz to get tis trip...
I argue wit my mama n papa n mei alot...
Coz clash dou wit my plans on Thur!!
Make me so geram a....
I hate it when stuff clashes wit my plans!!


Anyway skip d bad memory part...
I dun wana talk all bout it in detail...
Very blood sucking annoying....
So jz wana say im goin to S'PORE~!
Hope d trip dont suck o im so goin to get pist off again....


I've plan to visit a few places....
Ex: orchard road, harbour front, marina area, war memorial....
Other more go there only decide....^^


Haiz.....
Tdy a.... macam an unlucky day..
Whole day ppl argue here n there....
Evry1 stress ke?
Aiyo~
X mood to write more....Gtg...~
Bye...

Christmas Eve... I jz dun hv d spirit...==

Soon christmas wil b cuming...
Sadly i couldnt find my christmas spirit..
Im like nt in tis world anymore..
I duno where has d "spirit for events" went to...
Everytime gt any celebration...
Like new year, christmas, winter festive o anything....
Ppl can b damn happy n excited...
I used to b crazy bout  all these festive...
Bt as im growing bigger...
I lost spirit n intrest in all those...
It all jz like ntg to me....
Yikes gotta off...
Sumbody's bak!!

Tdy's d 23rd!! Nt a very gd day....

Why i say its a bad day?
Well...coz it means SKOL REOPEN is NEAR!!
Normally i will love skol reopen....
Bt tis time...I feel like its DISASTER waiting for me in da future upcoming year!!
T^T
Is there anyway i can get through tis year without happening any unwated stuff??
So many things im afraid of rite nw...
1stly im afraid of losing u...
2nd my STUDIES!!
3rd stress....><
So many more bt lazy to write...


So many times i told myself i muz study hard tdy...
Bt in d end...I din do it...
I jz couldnt get my butt to move it!!
I em sek dak leave tis hols!!
It passes too fast!! NO!!!
I got a reali bad feelin...
Tat if i dun force myself o treat myself cruely...
I wun get any better result than last year...
Coz tis year is my worst result!
Failed 5 subs!! Incredible!
If tis new year i do d same...
I can say...SPM i can jz DROP out..


Im goin to end my post as a prayer here..
Jz for fun...Bt i mean it...


Lord, i nid u....
Nid u so badly...
Nid u to help me...
Gimme wisdom...
Gimme strength to keep focusing...
May i nt b distracted...
I nid d same kind of spirit u gave me during my PMR year...
Bt tis year...i'll nid x2 of dat same spirit....
I nid to b more hardworking n strive harder....
May i rmbr n und watever i study o, Lord..
All tis i pray in Jesus name...Amen...^^

Hurts so much...Bt it doesnt matter nw coz i noe v'll make it through...

17th, Thurs 2010...
Its kinda like another day which i'll neva 4get...
I cried like my eyes were a waterfall letting down waters....
When i receive ur starting of tat message...
I felt like my whole world collapse into a deep dark hole...
My happiness immediately bcame sorrow n hurt....
I felt all hope n meaning to live, jz lost n gone.....
Like i'll neva b able to find it bak...
So many crazy thoughts came rushing to my mind...
So many WHYs......><


U said u had to stop tis...
Its hurting u...
Bt lil did u noe...
Its hurting me alot too...
Bt i put u 1st..
Im nt important...
So i kept quiet bout my pain...
Bt things gt worst when i saw u wrote..
V couldnt even b frens nor TAT...
I was like WTF!
Pls....Dun do tis to me....T^T


I prayed to God....
Asked Him to help me...
Help u too...
Help us to go through tis...
Save us...
In d end He did helped us...=]
Bt b4 tat...


Bt i neva gave up...
Even i felt its useless trying...
I still try wit all i've got..
Coz i dunwan to lose u...
No...Nt tis way...Nt tis time...
I will nt let u go like hw i let others go so easily...
U meant so MUCH to me...
I knew u so well...n u r like a part of me....
Bt when i read n read all those replied messages of urs...
My heart felt like a knife is slicing it so many times...
N yet im holding on d pain n tears...
I digged my brain n heart for a reason to make u stay...
I noe, u also ♥-ed me....
Jz wasnt as much as i did...
Bt i didnt say u had to ♥ me more than i do..
N u didnt wan to leave....
U didnt had a choice...


U told me sry...
Bt im tired of receiving sry jz frm wad i had recieve frm my ex's....
I noe ure pressured by dem....
N i noe ure also hurt....
Bt no matter wad happen...
I couldnt giv u up....
So i begged u till i had ntg left to say.....
So i decided to put our relationship into chill for awhile...
Jz to let things cool down...


After a few hrs...
I received a message frm u...
Its 1 of ur longest message i eva receive frm u o any1...xD
So i read....n again my tears start to fall...
Bt i oways manage to hide it frm ppl...
As i read more of d message...
I knew u didnt wan to go...
I knew u also couldnt let go...
N mostly u wanted to stay wit me...
Im happy ^^ haha....


Babe...
I ♥ u....
I miss u...
I jz wan u...
I wan ur heart....
I wana b more than friends..
I wan u to stay wit me 4eva....
Nobody can replace u....

New room...New year....New life...

Haha...im finaly hving a NEW ROOM~!!
Years of waiting to hv a ROOM of my OWN...
Has finaly arrive!! Yea~!!
I painted my room SUPER LIGHT BLUE wit white...
Jz like d sky....♥♥♥
I so ♥'in my new room....
Even my whole hse is getting a new paint...
N it STINK.s!!!
BUsuk busuk!! BUSUK!!! ><
Nw i jz figuring out hw to decorate my room...
Hope it'll b nice....xDD

Scared...So i close my eyes n pray...

Im nt afraid of anything o any1...

Im jz afraid of  losing u....

Losing u is like..

Losing the very last piece of hope n soul in me...

Ure da very last gurl im goin to b wit...

Let me hv u...

Let me ♥ u for da very last time....

I wun keep u 4eva...

Coz in rasional, i cant keep u 4eva...

1 day,  i've also gotta let u go..

I'll jz give u d sweeetest memory u eva had...

Giv u lotsa smiles n laughter....

So.....

I promise..The life i've taken away for temporarily..

I will return it to u d life ure suppose to hv...

For its nt mine to take away ur life...

So as i said, i will return wad i've taken away...

Jz put ur trust in me...

Jz like d way u trust ur only buddy...

U wun feel dissappointed...

If u cant wake up frm tis dream...

I will make u wake up...

Wad've promised...I will do it...

I wun hurt u..

I wun make u cry...

I wun make u angry...

I will only make u happy n treat u gd...

N giv u lotsa ♥ ....

Coz i only ♥ eu....

Take, Take, Take it ALL...

Jz staring at d pc screen...U! u kickstart n jam my 1 nerve!! ANGER!!! Urgh! Frm da very 1st day i knew hw to figure out right frm wrong..I hated dat day!! When i ♥-ed drawing...I draw day n nite..Yea, i noe its too much. Bt im showing HW MUCH i ♥ it!! Den u took it away...It was hard, bt i knew i had other intrests in me...So i survived n moved on. 


I went frm drawing to playin pc..Again i play frm day to nite..U hated it! So u locked it! FOR YEARS!! I had to BEGG u like an outsider n a slave!! U made me begg u, my sis, my aunt, my cou...I begg every1. Any1 who knew d pass, i begg dem wit all my heart...


When i lost my intrests in it...I started readin story books..Den i started to read frm day til nite..Books after books...U hated it! So u stop me frm buying books...U didnt knew hw much each time u stop me frm my passion in a thing HURTS!!! U didnt knew!! I gave u wad u wanted...And when u were sick of it my habit, u threw it in da THRASH...DANG!!! Jz like tat! So simple! U threw it away n ask me to move on to da next thing...


Den i move on to music n dancing....I watched n search for dance move n latest music according to my intrests....I learn it all on my own...Den u scolded n nag me coz u hated it! U say its STREET STUFF..yEA! n it ANNOYS u....Well,  Ofcuz its street stuff!! Bt u look down on da street!! Music n dancing is my only way of expressing myself...U dont und it no matter hw many times i tell u!! So frm there...I had less intrests in it ...


I started to talked n mix less around at home..I jz isolate myself frm u all...Coz i reali gt ntg to say towards u guys....So its jz me n my hp...Den i started chatting n smsing wit frens frm day till nite...Coz i was jz spending my time wit dem...I jz couldnt find DA TIME wit u all....I couldnt...When i did tat...U hated it coz it was too much! Ofcoz everything i do is jz  TOO MUCH FOR U ALL!! 


Den since i couldnt stand things at home were...I started going out...I go out to hang out..Jz to get away frm all d annoying arguements n pain....U hated d way i was acting...Well, HELL YEAH! U SHOULD!! Bt sry to say...Wad's done is DONE!! Den d 1 n only last thing i had wit me....My small tiny fren n companion....MY HANDPHONE!!! U took it!! Nw im left wit ntg!!


N u tell me to WAD??? U TELL ME TO GO DRAW,READ STORY BOOK, DANCE n study+dicipline myself again!!! WTF!! U made me hate those stuff n gave up those....den its U again tellin me to do it again, n get scoldin frm u agian??? U noe...each time u took those away frm me, a BIG *PANG* of hurt hits n cuts my heart....It hurts coz u DIDNT UND D REASON I DID THOSE TO DA EXTREME....I did those coz it my ONLY WAY of expressing myself...Is it so WRONG for u?? I dont tell out to u all coz i couldnt feel dat u would und....So i had to find other ways...Bt u block all my ways...Aihs...Hw much it hurts i wont tell...Bt u can imagine if u noe...


U didnt noe when was d time i was in serious depression...Coz, i taught myself hw to witstand all d pain n sadness tat could turn me to MPH....I didnt wana end up there even i knew i was seriously sad n needed counseling...I taught myself hw to b strong n learned hw to hide all feelings n taught myself hw to fake it....I can fake it a WHOLE DAMN LOT good infront of u o any1...Even if im feeling SUPER angry n wanted to kill, i learned hw to control my temper...Bt u keep increasing those pain n anger wit d very SINGLE word u said each time u took away my intrests n hope...U alwayz say STUDY!!! GO STUDY!! U drill tat word in my head....Whenever i thnk of it...It hurts n givs me headache...Makes me wana kill n release all those years of anger+sadness...Bt im still holding all those bak...Afraid of revealin da monster in me....


Coz i dunlike to hurt any1...So im holding it all bak...Pretend things infront of u all, n still surviving...Its very difficult for me to do tis...Bt i take it as a challenge n keep going...I neva rebel bak..Coz i noe, God hates n dun wan it to happen...So i brainwash my own memory each time d hurt n pain appears...Which makes me kinda very forgetful nw...Its bcuz i dun wana rmbr those memories....So i wash it all away...


Im still in da state of depression...Bt im pretending im nt mentaly sick...So i laugh...Coz laughter can cure sickness like these...Aihs..I wish i was living either wit frens o on my own...U take all i eve wanted n told me to study...Nw i started studying everyday n yet u still nag me in da brain EVERY SINGLE DAY wit da word study!!! Isnt it enough i gave up all to make u happy?? Each time u take those away its like takin a SOUL frm me....Nw i feel so empty...Cried till i was sick of crying...There's ntg i wana do....I dun wana fight bak...Let me turn myself into a robot slowly....I guess it d only 4 me n please u....


I wonder if u read tis...Wad will u thnk n respond? Will u still lecture me bak o realize hw i feel?? U alwayz support d wrong stuff...Stuff i reali wished u would take part n support me, u jz didnt.....Coz u seriuosly dun und me....90% of Parents olways dun und their kids...Coz kids dun reveal demselves to dem...Coz dey made kids go through crazy ways...I thought dey knew hw to handle US, KIDS...
Evrynite i wish i could jz sleep n neva wake up...Stuck in my dreams n sleep....Dats d bez...I wouldnt nid to worry o thnk so much...
Even i go to skol...My frens nag me to study...Aihs...i dun blame u guys...Bt im lazy in skol coz at home im rajin...I jz nid a break..In skol is where i find my freedom n break....So tat i could go home n suffer again...